Anguish
by Jerathai
Summary: Missing scene: Tsu'tey had to deal with some ugly truths after Jake returned to the Omatikaya as Toruk Makto.


Tsu'tey's world was upside-down. He lay in a guest lodge of the Sighing Grass clan, exhausted in body but with a racing mind and devastated spirit. Less than a day had elapsed since the man he'd despised had returned to the People as the legendary Toruk Makto. Tsu'tey had been able to set his reactions aside while riding to summon the clans to war, but they crushed him with paralyzing force now that he was still.

The facts of what had happened were boiling in his brain and refused to be ignored any longer. _The Tsahik countermanded Eytukan's standing order to kill any Sky Person who came too close to Hometree and permitted Jakesully to live among the Omatikaya. The Olo'eyktan accepted him into the Clan and the People. Neytiri _(he winced) _took him as her mate. Of the four leaders of the clan, only I refused to See him. Only I rejected him._

His actions came back to him all too easily. _I ridiculed him. I accused him of Seeing less than a rock. I laughed at his efforts. I knew he was unfit and I deliberately pushed him for the pleasure of seeing him stumble. I threw the word "_warrior_" at him in Ikinmaya as an insult, a deliberate distraction when he was in danger. No Sky Person could possibly merit the honor of being called a warrior, I told myself._

He rolled over, anguish making his stillness unbearable. _Neytiri and Mo'at are both Tsahik – they both speak for Eywa – and both of them accepted Jakesully. Why did I not See that? Why did I not question my actions? Why did I not accept their judgment?_

Memories surged forward in response. Tsu'tey had just been made a warrior when the tensions between the Omatikaya and the Sky People had first flared into violence with the attack on Grace's school. The helplessness he had felt on hearing a bone-weary and heartsick Teekan recount the slaughter (and seeing the grief-stunned Neytiri carried to the healers' place) filled him with as much righteous fury now as it had back then. Memories of other past attacks on the Na'vi – and more recently, the destruction of the sacred Tree of Voices – reinforced that rage. But truth compelled him to admit that righteous fury alone did not suffice to explain his blindness.

Shame filled him as he got closer to the real reasons for his actions. _I hated him because I told myself that he stole my woman away from me. I hated him because he bested me in front of the entire clan – and did not even need a weapon to do so. I, acknowledged by all to be the strongest warrior in the clan, was as easily defeated as an adult defeats a child. I felt that he shamed me in front of my people._

The truth was sickening him, but once Seen there was no escaping it. _I was jealous. Neytiri does not 'belong' to me, and never did. No one 'belongs' to anyone but themselves and Eywa. Jakesully is Neytiri's choice, and I was – am – bitter that I am not. I am less, in my own eyes, because she has Chosen someone else. That is the cause of my rage. That is __**my**__ doing, and not hers._

_I was jealous that he took the admiration of the Clan away from me. I felt that he shamed me in front of my people – but I shamed myself. __**I**__ am the one who attacked a clan-brother without provocation and with a weapon in my hand. _He covered his face with his hands in anguish to See his motivations laid bare. _**I**__ am the one who would have slain an unconscious man in violation of Eywa's most important rule._ _I was so blinded by my hate and pride that I defied Eywa! How could I possibly have done that?_

_When Jakesully came to us as Toruk Makto – the First Warrior of the Na'vi – and he acknowledged me as his chief, as Omatikaya Olo'eyktan, we both knew how I had wronged him. Only Eywa can make a Toruk Makto. Each one She has made has saved the Na'vi. She made Jakesully Toruk Makto with Her own hand – and how have I treated him? How have I honored Her choice? _

Tears were running down his face now. He wanted to vomit in revulsion as he finally took responsibility for what he had done. _Jakesully did not take anything away from me. My own disrespect is what drove Neytiri away. My own arrogance and pride made me display my true weakness to the Clan. I refused to consider that I bore any responsibility for Neytiri's choice. I refused to think that I was anything other than a victim of an evil Sky Person. I was more concerned about my status among the People than I was with the People's safety. _The pain of that admission was a spike in his guts.

He started shaking with remorse. _I do not deserve to be Olo'eyktan. I do not deserve to be Na'vi! _Tsu'tey rolled over onto his back and dropped his hands, letting the tears spill down unrestrained_. Jake has been a better Na'vi – a better __**man**__ – than I have. Eywa, forgive me! I _must_ make restitution for what I have done. I must set things right, if I can._ The decision to atone quieted his anguish somewhat and gave him a focus. Insect noises filled the night as he searched for something that would right the balance he had destroyed.

_When I return to the war camp I will apologize to Jakesully and Neytiri in front of the entire clan. He will need to coordinate the entire war party when the battle starts so I will direct the Omatikaya for him, but when the fight is over I will turn over the Chiefship of the clan. _He thought for a bit. _I will speak with Mo'at. I must make amends to Eywa as well, and she can help me See how to do that._

Tsu'tey sighed as the weight of his guilt eased with his decisions. His conscience let up on him now that he had taken responsibility for his actions and it allowed his physical exhaustion to catch up with him and drag him into sleep. A final tear ran down his cheek along with a silent plea, _Great Mother, forgive me!_ before unconsciousness claimed him.

On the outside of the tent a softly glowing _atokirina_ slowly settled on one of the pegs that secured the structure to the ground. As the man inside surrendered into sleep the woodsprite grew dimmer, and then, almost regretfully, went out.


End file.
